SurvivingIncest.com Blog

New Amsterdam, a new television drama on Fox, showed its third episode last night. I had liked the first two very much.

Not so much the third.

I don’t know the writers and I don’t know the producers … what I do know is that the pseudo-science on the show last night was quite bogus.

The question of recovered memories was directly addressed in last night’s show, and the show strongly suggested that traumatic memories would be reinforced by the adrenaline surge brought on by the trauma … thus, “recovered memories” must be false.

I know that it is very possible to bury deep, deep hurts repeatedly inflicted until there is enough support … enough safety … enough strength … enough courage to survive them.

Jim Hopper provides an excellent overview of the real science of forgotten trauma. According to Hopper:

At least 10% of people sexually abused in childhood will have periods of complete amnesia for their abuse, followed by experiences of delayed recall.

Shame on you, Fox, for potentially harming those struggling to heal. I can speak only for myself … I don’t want “revenge” … I don’t want to hurt my family … In fact, I’d love for it not to be true … but, it is. And, those of us who have survived it don’t need you trying to knock us down again … we were knocked down plenty as children.

I know what I’m talking about. For years I buried the extremely painful memories of the truly heinous acts my grandfather perpetrated upon me. Unless you’ve been there, you can’t imagine how awful it is, and you can’t understand the logic of forgetting. You can read my story here for free. You can see that my sisters believe me … they say it clears so many things up. My parents believe me. My husband believes me. My grandfather is dead, so I guess I can never have the absolute verification that it would take to satisfy you, Fox … but I know that I am right and you are so very, very wrong.
Never, ever, has a therapist — or anyone else — suggested to me that I might have forgotten something. Never, ever, has a therapist — or anyone else — tried to coax a memory from me.

Shame on you, Fox!

I have a website for those seeking to heal from childhood sexual abuse. You can visit it here.

5 has always been one of my favorite numbers … 5 or 55. Maybe it’s because Johnny Bench wore number 5 when he was the All-Star catcher on the Big Red Machine (Cincinnati Reds in the early to mid 1970s). Maybe it’s because Roger Goree wore number 55 when he was about the only All-American in football at Baylor University during the same period. (I think Baylor football won three games in three years … but none of that can be attributed to Mr. Goree.)

Five years ago, in 2003, Baylor men’s basketball was in terrible shape. Carlton Dotson murdered teammate Patrick Dennehy that summer. The investigation into the murder highlighted numerous problems. The basketball coach and athletic director were either fired or resigned.

The NCAA did not give the program the death penalty. But, for the 2005-06 season, the team was not allowed to play any non-conference games. The season opener was in January when Big XII play tipped off.

Ian McCaw was hired to become the new athletic director, and Scott Drew took on the task of rebuilding the men’s basketball program. Dana O’Neil has written a beautiful piece describing the history in more detail.

Five years after that terrible 2002-03 season, Baylor cracked the top 25 (25 is 5 squared) for the first time in forty years. Then they had to travel to College Station, Texas, to take on the higher ranked Aggies who were playing at home.

The game went into 5 overtimes … Dick Vitale has called it a leading contender for Game of the Year.

Baylor won.

Who knows where the season will end up. I think it would be poetic if Baylor is a 5-seed in the NCAA tournament.

The lesson here for all of us is that good things truly can rise from the ashes. My prayer for each of us today is that we can draw strength and hope from our past and look ahead to good things.

Blessings, SCW

Today was one of those cold, misty, gray days that come along every winter. And, the forecast was for more of the same all day.

Imagine the weatherman’s surprise when the clouds parted to reveal brilliant sunshine this afternoon.

I think there’s a lesson in there if we look closer.

The forecast was gloomy and dreary. There may be moments when our lives feel gloomy and dreary.

Then, unexpectedly, the bright sun shone through the clouds.

That can happen for each of us, too.

My prayer for us today is that we can hang on until the sunshine overcomes the clouds.

Blessings, SCW

I’ve written a book about my own journey through gray days to find the bright sunshine. You can read it free online here. If you find it helpful and can afford a copy, please buy one. I use the proceeds to help offset a small portion of the expense of maintaining a website for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

If a tree fell in a forest and no one heard it, would it make any sound?

I think that’s how the question goes. And, I think we have to define what we mean by “sound” before we can answer the question. If “sound” is the “waves” in the air, then the tree did, in fact, make sound. If “sound” is the reception of those waves by a sentient being, then I guess it depends on whether or not such a being “heard” the tree. If “sound” is narrowly defined as the sound waves hitting a human ear drum, then the question is answered directly by the “no one heard it” part of the question.

I guess I’m thinking about that today as I look at the number of “hits” on this blog and on my website. If my goal is to ensure that no one who has experienced childhood sexual abuse has to feel like they’re facing recovery alone, then what does it mean if there aren’t very many visitors?

• Does it mean that there aren’t many of us who did face the horrors of such abuse? Sadly, that’s almost certainly not true.
• Does it mean that no one feels alone in the struggle? Again, the sad truth is that’s probably not true either.
• Does it mean that it’s hard to reach out in the midst of such a struggle? Sadly, that’s likely true.
• Does it mean that it’s hard to find this site and/or this blog amidst the massive number of sites in the world wide web? It certainly could mean that.

I’m sure I could go on and on for a while. I need to stop for today, though. If you feel alone, please know that you are not alone.

My prayer for each of us today is that we can find safe connections. After all, God made us to be connected to him and to one another.

Blessings, SCW

Well, there’s a storm headed my way. I think it could start snowing here around 9:30 a.m. with heavier snows following close behind.

So, the wait is on. Will schools be released early today? Will the choir party be postponed?

I have a meeting across town at 2. I had planned to meet my husband for lunch prior to the meeting. Now I’m wondering whether I need to stick around here and pick up the kids before heading to the meeting … which would mean no lunch with my husband.

So, these are the unknowns for today.

Of course, tomorrow holds more unknowns.

Those of us who were abused might wish, from time to time, that our histories were also unknown.

The truth is that the bad things happened … and we survived. Take a moment today to be proud of yourself for making it through. Then take a moment to do something nice for yourself. (I’m going to play a game of solitaire on the computer …) Finally, take a moment to look ahead and dream.

Unknowns are a fact of life. My prayer for you today — and every day — is that you can face your unknowns with a calm peace.

Blessings, SCW

The spring semester has begun. Yesterday I met my classes for the first time. On that first day, the students and the faculty are full of optimism. This will be the semester that … and here is where we can fill in the blank with things about organization, preparation, planning, doing all the reading, doing all the assignments, and more.

I have one class that meets on Mondays only. We met yesterday. Now I won’t see the students until the 28th (since the 21st will be a university holiday). It will be interesting to see how well we’re all doing with our new semester resolutions two weeks later.

Yes, I experienced awful things as a child; some of you may have experienced similar things. Others may have had a storybook childhood … still others navigated a different set of challenges.

The good news is this: no matter what, we get many, many chances to begin again.

My prayer for each of us today is that we can look ahead in happy anticipation and have the courage to begin again if that’s what we need to do.

Blessings, SCW

My book tells my story. You can read it online for free. If you find it helpful and can afford a copy ($12.95 plus shipping), please buy one. I use the proceeds to help offset some of the costs of maintaining a website for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

It was a book before it was a movie … and there is supposed to be some basis in fact … so I suppose that means it was real life before it was a book or a movie.

My husband and I saw the movie recently. If the events happened as they are portrayed, then basically three people — a congressman, a CIA desk agent, and a wealthy Texas donor — raised the US contributions to support covert operations against the Soviets in Afghanistan from $5 million to $500 million over a period of no more than two or three years.

Now, I certainly don’t want to get into politics … I’m sure we each have a views … we may agree in some places and disagree in others. I am equally sure that there are many ways to solve problems successfully; I leave the politics to others.

I do want to highlight the notion that just a few people could make such a big difference. I wonder what would happen if each of us decided to make a difference.
On a related note, if you listen, you hear Gust (the CIA operative) tell Charlie that we need to fund education and reconstruction efforts in Afghanistan after the war with as much vigor as we did the covert ops. Gust and Charlie try to point out that the Afghan youth would grow up and not realize that the US had helped defeat the Soviet occupation (since it was a covert operation) … so they won’t grow up thinking the US did good things. In fact, they suggest that generation might grow up thinking the US didn’t come to their aid at all.
It’s always easier to make the right decision after the fact. The truth is that we didn’t seem too interested in funding schools and hospitals after we had funded the war. We’ll never know what might have been different … I can hope that we did learn a lesson.

My prayer for each of us today is that we can go out and make a difference …

Blessings, SCW

Well, now that we’re a week into 2008, I guess I’m going to have to accept the fact that school will start back soon … so I’d better get ready.

As kids, those of us who experienced abuse might think of “getting ready” as being on the lookout for the signs that meant that today (or tonight or tomorrow …) wasn’t going to be very good. Today it’s easy to say that we’ve already survived the abuse … but some days it may not be that simple.

What I’d like to suggest (and please remember that I’m a quantitative person … not a mental health professional) is that part of getting ready every morning includes remembering one good thing about ourselves. We’re not the bad ones … the people who abused us are. I can also try to be proud of myself for being a good mom … not perfect (who is?), but good enough … and good enough really is enough.

My prayer for each of us today is that we can get ready … and think good of ourselves.

Blessings, SCW

I’ve written a book about what happened to me. I want to convey a message of hope: you are not alone, and it can be good. You can read the story of my journey free online here. If it is helpful to you and you can afford to, please buy a copy. I use the proceeds to help offset some of the costs of maintaining a website for fellow survivors.

2007 is over, and 2008 has begun. The last few weeks in December and the first few in January seem to be full of lists … the best and worst … movies of the year, … songs of the year, … shows of the year, … inventions of the year, … new products of the year, … and more. Of course, in the US, 2007 also brought the writer’s strike to television and an extremely early start to the 2008 campaign for the presidency. In fact, today marks the official kick-off to the 2008 election with the Iowa caucuses. For me, personally, 2007 was the year I finally told my parents about what my grandfather had done to me.

What did 2007 mean for you?

What does 2008 have in store for you?

I’m not much for resolutions to mark the new year. Maybe it’s a convenient excuse, but it seems to me that the resolutions are either too easy (to ensure success) or too unrealistic (to look good?). At the start of 2007, I never imagined I would write a book, start a website, and tell my parents. Those events would not have made my list of resolutions.

So, as we start 2008, may you find unexpected good experiences and the strength, patience, perseverance, and hope to get you through any rough patches.

Blessings, SCW

I like fudge … as long as it doesn’t have any nuts in it. I don’t want something crunchy or hard interrupting the smooth experience that is fudge.

Linda Vancel made some fudge for a bake sale. I don’t know whether it had nuts in it or not. I do know that it had something hard in it.

This news story reports that Vancel lost her ring and had scoured the house for it. She had made some fudge for a bake sale the day she lost it.

As you may suspect, somehow the ring got into the fudge. Linda Rhoads bought some of the fudge to help cheer up her dad, Charles “Red” Matson. When Matson took a bite, he found the ring.

Meanwhile, Vancel — trying anything she could think of to find that ring — sent an e-mail message to Rhoads asking about it. Rhoads returned the message … but not immediately since she was away on vacation.

In the end, Matson and Rhoads can be happy knowing they did the right thing in getting the ring back to its owner, and Vancel can rejoice that her sentimental ring has be found.

Every day doesn’t always have a happy ending, but we shouldn’t let that discourage us on our journey. Vancel had emptied her trash can and searched high and low. I guess the unanswered e-mail message led her to believe that there was no hope there, either … then Rhoads came home.

My prayer for each of us today is that we can find a whole lot more happy endings than we do sad ones. As 2007 comes to a close, let’s remember that every day can be a new beginning if we need it to be.

Blessings, SCW